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May 7th, 2006
01:44 pm - oh my
Last night was pretty bad, but it could have been a lot worse. 20 kids turned into 45 kids at my house. Then people I haven't seen since last summer started to show up.
More than anything I wish my friends would have come, I was calling them all night but everyone was busy. A party like last night was one that I would never have because something always goes wrong and I get in a lot of trouble.
Bonner and Sepe came to supervise and they did an awesome job I can't thank them enough I'm so glad I have tough guy friends in my life. I would just scream 'Jo(h)n' and they stopped the many uncalled for fights. It was also good that they were there because no one would listen to me because i'm not scary at all.
People went swimming, Some kid in zebra pants was naked on my kitchen table, and I have pictures to document the whole night.
I really should be studying. I'll be out tomorrow night hopefully i'll see everyone that should have been there last night
Current Music: Adem
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April 4th, 2006
10:53 pm
I completely ditched school today to do not a damn thing. I was kept up all night and slept through all my classes then I finally decided to pull my ass out of bed and go hang out with megan. I'm so excited about the cruise that we are going on in a few days it's going to be such a relaxing spring break. I'm just going to severely miss everyone here on LI, Kristin and laughing in the car because we are both stupid , Melissa and Brett punching cars and screaming, Shante and the gym and coffee outings, Tym and his terrible driving and now charades, and most importantly my family. Today I decided to also take a strip exercise class. Holy shit it really hurts a lot but the gym has become my new best friend, there's nothing better. Well I have to go lay down what a boring update on my life, I do nothing. But i'm really happy.
Oh and I quit smoking for good this time
<3
If there's one thing that I have a problem with it's that I feel like i'm losing touch with a majority of my friends as a whole. I find time to hang out with each one individually but no one is willing to put aside their time or their relations in order to all get together. I can't remember the last time I went out with more than 2 of my immediate friends? The girls are scattered and it seems a total impossibility. Maybe i'm just a little too mad but it's the truth, can't we all just seriously set aside some fucking time to get together and stop being involved in our own lives.
Current Music: new amsterdams
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March 5th, 2006
03:03 am
I feel bad for people that have to experience pain from love. It's not fun, I've been there and I hate even more to see my friends going through it. I just don't understand how anyone can attempt to maintain this 'wonderful' union called a relationship and just accept by default that it will work out for them. If anyone thinks that I hope that they aren't let down. I was once a hopeful person until I accepted the majority of outcomes. This sounds ridiculous coming from someone whose parents can't live an hour without talking to eachother and whom are still madly,sickeningly in love.
I love just existing, I love that we aren't anything, we just are, as is, and I hope that this never progresses. I'm tired and i'm excited to sleep alone, sleeping in a bed with someone just makes being alone all the more special.
Current Music: sia
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February 2nd, 2006
12:00 am
Just some random thoughts for today:
My dad thought his car got stolen so he called the cops 16 hours later he woke up and remembered where he left it.
The house in Arizona flooded? (anyone else find that statement really ironic?)
My grandfather went in for surgery yesterday, turns out he will be ok... but this is like the 19th time we have heard this so i'm a little hesitant to believe.
Mom is always complaining about her weight so I told her if she loses 15 pounds than I will quit smoking. Then no one can smoke in my car because I can resist anything but temptation.
I have carpel tunnel or so im self diagnosing myself
I went into the philosophy department today and got really weirded out because for the first time I realized that this is what I am going to do with my life. I know all the teachers and where all the rooms are and im on a first name basis with the woman in the philosophy department. Everything is just weird for the first time it hit me that I am a part of something. Something that has been passed down from generations, written works that transcend time. I also talked to another girl who was a philosophy major and it was good to discuss the fact that philosophy is a male dominated field and it is hard for us girls to get a word in because it's rare to find a girl that will admit her subjective thoughts in class. We are few and far between.
The prospect of love no longer turns me on.
Derrida will be the demise of Merissa. Read him and surely you will want to burn the book.
I'm so nervous about this semester I can't even get through a day without wanting to throw up.
http://www.keds.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=828&itemType=PRODUCT&iMainCat=110&iSubCat=113&iProductID=828
ps- i kinda really want these shoes
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/complacent.gif) complacent
Current Music: cat power
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January 3rd, 2006
12:45 am - Where are you now?
Wow, What a heartbreaking, engaging, mysterious year. I came out on new years nervous and anticipating a breakdown. I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready to put this year behind me because it was seeping with pain. And as ignorant as that sounds sometimes it's harder to let go of something that is painful rather than something that brings you 'happiness'. This was a year of pain no doubt. And the pain was addicting.
I've grown a lot this year and intentionally spent many a nights alone. I needed this year, this was my year to hide from the world and re gain my composure from the past.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/happy.gif) accomplished
Current Music: Baz Luhrman 'sunscreen song'
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December 5th, 2005
12:23 am
And I'm sitting here in bed right now wondering how the hell I got through this year
.........
Current Music: sigur ros
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November 5th, 2005
02:14 am - Aeterna Veritas
After much thought i've decided it best for people not to kick the coffin, I wouldn't expect any of my friends to actually lift their foot high enough to reach it. I wish you to now spit on it, like a really loud hacking noise, and greenish in color preferably to clash with my white dress shirt.
And i'm holding you responsible to publish my journals, and if you do it and have the intention to change the names to protect the immoral then you might as well take a match to my nine years of written words, experiences and truths.
I'm doing amazing in school.
I applied to Hunter
I am going to double major in psychology and philosophy and then contrast them in a series of essays on certain ways to deal with issues by using philosophical texts and ways of life. trust me it will be well worth your read when I finally am able to focus on writing them. It's not enough to just read Sartre or Nietzsche.........
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October 25th, 2005
01:33 am - I wouldn't give up my craziness for anything, I won't be submissive to happiness
It's time for my rare entry about my life thus far (or at least stemming after Septemeber 4th or the last time I wrote in this thing).
This weekend just sucked. I did nothing but lay in bed because I had 103 fever and a bump the size of a grape right above my eyebrow due to my awkward ability to bring things at a fast pace right at my forehead.
I also haven't been in a people mood recently and I don't know what's holding me back? I think im just sick of hearing everyone bitch about their issues in such a serious manner. Everyone just needs to calm the fuck down. I had a nice car ride with one of the more ridiculous people in my life and I just couldn't stop laughing, I think she understands my ability to just completely laugh at my pathetic life because I just have that sense of humor. I don't try and fix things and get severely depressed about what's lacking in my life, yea it's great that everyone is happy but I'm not and I think thats hysterical. I would much rather be extremely depressed and on the verge of suicide than happy with all the areas of my life completely fulfilled. It makes for a better story I guess. And once my journals get published... when I die.... I think everyone will be able to indulge in my laughter as well. They will finally get to see where I'm coming from and just that being ridiculously single and having all my friends come to me for relationship advice, being completely inept at school yet everyone thinks im smart because im bitter and mean and they think that I have all the answers of the world figured out. It's a funny thing people assume that since you are angry that you have experienced all the hardships of life and suffered so much and know that the world is completely meaningless and that's why you're so angry,(I still stand by the fact that happiness is the antithesis of intelligence but that's another entry) being told that I should be a writer when no one has read anything that i've ever written before so what makes them an authority on what I should or shouldn't pursue.
The entire world is just completely built on contradictions, and Im sick of taking everything so literally. So I opt for the simple things in life....a fashion magazine, a pen and some paper, late night coffee outings, or the occassional car sing along.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/cynical.gif) cynical
Current Music: the fray
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September 4th, 2005
04:58 pm - Your photograph in an album peeling, plastic, yellow pages.Tainted by so many fingerprints.
Summer is officially over.It was a wonderful summer. Perhaps one of the best, no complaints here. I got to see shows in Central Park, I was able to dance the night away in London with the Brits. I got to lay down in the grass that resides under the Eiffel Tower. I got to drive into the desert mountains that surround Arizona. I got to sleep on the cold, damp sand that is Montauk. I got to shop 2 hours away with two of the greatest people i've ever met. I was lucky enough to walk the streets of 'the city that never sleeps'on numerous occassions. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I punched walls. I got to kiss Ryan Dunn. And I luckily enough got to document my entire summer in a series of photographs, memories, and numerous journal entires.
http://community.webshots.com/user/lovemeorleaveme
I'm very grateful to everyone that I have crossed paths with this summer
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/loved.gif) loved
Current Music: Kevin Devine
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July 2nd, 2005
02:36 pm - The loneliness was still there, but it was getting louder and easier to dance to
July 13th I finally go to London and Im really scared this is my first real trip away from home with the exception of some weekends away with friends. This is 10 days of absolute freedom. Who knows what I am capable of. I cannot stress enough how much I dont want my birthday mentioned or celebrated in any way shape or form. I turn 20... that's it.
Then I had personal demons to face. They had written a song, a song about... well if you were there you know. They said it wasn't about me yet it was kinda inspired by what I had done. At least that's what was later admitted to me in a less than perfect atmosphere. I was hurt not by what was written , or sang, or even anything that had to do with it, but I was hurt by the fact that I could not face it myself. That apparently it still had undertones of my reality in an all too familiar way.
It bothered me because it's exactly what happened.
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June 7th, 2005
11:49 pm - I just want peace and quit in my head
I havent written in here in a long time and I had no intention to but Kristin tagged me to do this task so I shall comply.
"Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs."
1. Reading poetry and finding quotes that identify how I feel. This in turn inspires me to write. There is a rush of rage and emotion that is always intresting to read the next day when the storm has passed. It's amazing how well it works. The written word is one of the most beautiful things in this word. Language really can define what kind of person you are at heart.
2. Drive out east with the music blasting at night just smoking cigarettes. Even though at moments of sadness I have to fight back the urge to end it all it usually gives perspective. You never want that to be the last time that you see someone without telling them how you feel.
3. Tear my room apart, punch the walls, throw personal items at the wall. As odd as this seems theres nothing like completely ripping apart all your materialistic items and just letting the anger out. Its bad when people you love see you at your worst but the natural high you acquire through destruction really gives you peace of mind. It's the perfect way to stop thinking
4. Go in the bath and submerge your head and just close your eyes. Theres a certain feeling that you get being surrounded by the natural form of water. You can't help but deny how much water is paramount to your existence.
Current Music: imogen heap
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May 1st, 2005
10:33 pm - Theres no such thing as a life being forever static
Ive had two plaguing trains of thought recently. If anyone can help that would be much appreciated.
I just had a serious thought if familiarity breeds contempt and rarity perpetuates preciousness then long term is doomed to failure. The constant knowing of somebody makes you realize your acute hatred of their flaws and indeed if something is rare you dont take it for granted you cherish it because its not there everyday so by the laws of this argument wouldn't random meet ups be the key to happiness?
But then I think of good relationships that people have for example Rachel and Greg wouldnt that make my entire conclusion invalid? Or could I refute that as luck? Then I talked to my parents about it and they said that everyday the person you are with will surprise you with unpredictability. So maybe I just need someone just as crazy and unpredictable as I?
Ive come to the conclusion that im lacking a reason for being sad, nothing makes me sad, im just sad, and therefore nothing can make me happy.
blah blah blah
I wish I could just stop thinking for like 5 seconds then maybe I could enjoy life.
And to add more self inflicted stress on my life. Im signing up for the LSATS. Ive been doing some practice tests and it turns out im actually good at it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/curious.gif) curious
Current Music: u2
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April 20th, 2005
01:13 am
It's been a month today. A month. 31 days.
Death has become my new life, or the threat of death for that matter. First my grandfather, then Joe, now my grandmother. It's all hanging above our heads every second of every goddamn day.
There's no cure for death. We are what we are. 24 hours in a day. The sun, the moon. Growing up.
All constants
Time I really thought i'd make friends with time
We live by the clock and die by the second hand on that same clock.
Our time of death recorded, our time of birth. Everything is determined by that fucking clock. Ive come to loathe the concept of time.
Did you know that the clock was created by priests to pray and have everything systematic. Its miraculous how such a suffocating concept can catch onto western civilization so quickly and make life so static.
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April 14th, 2005
12:49 am - You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story
Why do I feel like i've done something so morally wrong? Theres no liable reasoning behind it. I was ignorant of everything and I doubt my actions have changed those of others but maybe and hopefully I just got it wrong. I dont want to be what I used to be. I dont want to smash things that dont belong to me. I want to be responsible is all im saying.
I went to a philosophy seminar today it was pretty boring. Except in the beginning when he talked about the limits of moral reasoning and unreasonable limitations. He said that in this growing society are we becoming the unreasonable generation. What means are acceptable and how they are becoming undone. He said something also that made a lot of sense to me. That at unsorted new heights you have to become unreasonable because everything in fact will come undone. Also my teacher gave a lecture that to everything there is a certain ending. Its inevitable and can't be inflicted with avoidance. Man I have to meditate to that one...
In reality all I want to do with my life is become a philosophy major and over the summer im going to be a practicing stoic. I have a bunch of books and literary essays prepared for the summer to practice upon.
I can't sleep.
Today I also hung out with tym kristin and then megan anthony and alecia stopped by. In that order. I have a lot on my mind, I had a few bad moments today but I pulled myself out of it. I dont really know what else to say im pretty done with this livejournal shit.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/cold.gif) cold
Current Music: eternal sunshine soundtrack
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April 5th, 2005
08:34 pm - RE: RE: a message for the loveliest boy EVER...
What a crazy past week this has been. I threw a fit one night and broke basically everything in my room. But everything is ok now im calm. Everyones entitled to their unbridled fits of anger right?
Im really excited for friday I took off from work to have fun in the city. Im helping host a party? Random but its going to be a lot of fun I wish I had more time to help out but Im always running from one place to the next. Im going in with Ashley thursday night to set everything up and then heading back into the city friday evening for the festivites. I have this awesome dress that I ordered. Im just counting down the hours until im out of Hauppauge for the night. Where are eight people going to sleep in an apartment thats one bedroom and 18th century decor?
Is tonight movie night? Eh not really in the mood for that. Today was great. I got locked out of my house twice in one day, so I went to the bluffs with megan and basically walked across this crazy rushing water river. I think im going to wake up with pneumonia tomorrow. I wore a skirt to school today not so smart as it was 40 degrees all morning. And I burnt my hair with a lighter.
I have a lot of work to do
And everyones coming over right now
Fuck everyone im eating low carb oreos
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Reggie and the full effect
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April 1st, 2005
01:45 am
Im going back into my shell and im never coming out ever again
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March 25th, 2005
02:33 am - I'll take care of you...you're so much better than you know
Day one of picking up the pieces of a life once loved.
We gathered the masses and went to the pool hall where I was supposed to be set up with a boy. What was his name? Gundar? Duncan? Something remotely indeciferable. I couldn't have honestly cared less. I think its a bad idea to date especially when im still thinking of someone else. Well anyways we went to the pool hall and I couldn't help but be reminded of when Joe and I went on our little date there and he taught me how to play pool. And then we rocked out on the way home to journey. The pins came in this morning and I got to see a family member that I could give them to at least to let them know we are still mourning and thinking about him.
But
happy times...must think happy times
Tomorrow should be better. I think im hanging out with Ashley and then at night we are going to Alecias party in Sb. Oh and brett comes home and with his laugh you can't help but smile. This is why life is better as a stoic. You always have just enough emotion to wake up in the morning but not enough to let things touch your heart. Im going to go cook up a steak I cant sleep who am I kidding?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/roshi/palefaces/gloomy.gif) morose
Current Music: explosions in the sky
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March 23rd, 2005
02:05 pm - A long year...
" And when he shall die . take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun"
Whenever anyone was around you they couldn't help but have the time of their lives. I know that I will see you in the after life. I know that right now you are dancing up a storm to journey, or champagne supernova.
R.I.P Joe... We love and miss you soooo much
Memories of you will forever fill my Heart and Mind
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March 21st, 2005
12:19 pm
He hasnt left he has just merely stepped out....we will see you around
</3
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March 13th, 2005
02:49 am - .its not that were scared...its just that its delicate
I wasn't myself this weekend. That's because it included alcohol. But that's beside the point. I just don't want to hurt anyone.
I really should be sleeping especially since I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night.
AZ in exactly a week. I cant wait. I need a vacation. Im packing so many books.
Thats about all thats on my mind.
Fuck livejournal Roseanne is on
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so_surprising's journal